Hello blog, my old friend.

Hello blog, my old friend.

I've spent some time reading back over you (especially years 2013-14). You were so good to me. You helped me so much. You brought out a side of me that is so beautiful, so articulate, so poignant. I miss that side. It hasn't been around in a long time. I haven't been able to pin point the moment in which it was lost, but lost it is.

Or maybe it's not? This rhythm flows, it feels good, but where did it go for so long? Let me think.

I guess it went to graduate school. I guess it went into papers, discussions, insecurities, fears, career. I guess it went to "growing up." I'm 30 now, dear blog. Much has happened and little of it has been aided by emotion. Why is that? According to this blog history, I was really good at emotions. I could feel with the best of them. It was so much of who I was- how did it escape me? When did I put that aside? I'd like it back please. Yes, it hurt, that is true. But it also made things real and hard and vital. Life was urgent. And sure, it's nice not to be urgent all of the time but I have the feeling maybe I could use a little more of it now.

Did you know it's very easy to get comfortable in your 30s? (as someone 2 months into their 30s I can say this with full confidence). You go to work, you meal prep, you watch The Bachelorette, you have fun, and it's all great but....comfortable. And maybe it's my inner angsty teen coming up but hey, we had fun together didn't we? Life was interesting. Life still is interesting. But. But.

So here we are, talking again. It feels a little rusty, it feels a little vulnerable, it feels a little silly (I mean it IS 2019, do people even blog anymore if they aren't a hashtag influencer?). But you know what? Maybe I need a little more rusty, vulnerable, silly things in my life. Yes, yes I think that's it.

 

- B

The suckiness that is invisible illness

I've been sick. It's been coming for about 3 years, and hit about 9 months ago. I thought it was depression, and it was. But that's not all it was. It was also adrenal fatigue, chronic fatigue, hormone imbalance, and at the root of it all- leaky gut (i KNOW). It wasn't a clear cut answer in the beginning, so I didn't know how to talk about it. Plus, I've just been trying to keep my head above water let alone talk about something I didn't even understand.

I have gone to doctors for years trying to figure out why I have constant headaches, and more recently, why I found myself sleeping 10-14 hours a night and unable to think clearly. Finally, in May I found a doctor who specialized in just these concerns. She conducted several lab tests that checked literally everything; blood, saliva, urine...stool. It was slightly traumatizing yet so worth it because: I.GOT.ANSWERS!!!!

I DO have depression. I DO have adrenal fatigue. I DO have hormone imbalances.

But.

It's all because of a little thing called....leaky gut. As if there could ever be a more Willis, Tx sounding illness, haha. Basically, due to either stress (physical or internal), trauma, or diet, the lining of my small intestine was compromised (creating leaky gut) and due to this a bad bacteria got into my blood stream. Cue wreaking havoc on my body.

After the results of my lab tests, my doctor created a 90 day treatment protocol for me that includes diet changes, supplements, exercise changes, and rest requirements. I started yesterday. I'm so thankful to have answers, and even more thankful that it most likely won't always be this way. My body can and should heal over the next year.

My supplements arrived in the mail this week! If this doesn't fix me I don't know what will

At the same time, it's been difficult to accept my own limitations. What I can and can't do. I like keeping up with friends, going to get coffee, going hiking, blogging, etc. I haven't been able to do these things for many months now. And it's just been a constant battle of accepting my current weaknesses.

So here I go. 90 days of no sugar, no dairy, no grains, no natural sugar (agave, honey, etc), minimal fruit, no chocolate, no coffee, no alcohol. No summer margaritas!!! Basically meat and veggies (minus corn and potatoes!).

But, I'm hoping this will mean lots more of time spent with friends, investing in people, clearing my mind, doing what I love, and regaining energy.

Here goes everything!

An Open Apology

I had to write this down because it's been weighing so heavily on me the past few weeks. I seem to feel like I'm constantly letting someone down and in turn, I feel guilty. The cycle has to stop. Here is an open acknowledgement of where I'm at. An acknowledgement of my shortcomings. Deeeeep breath.


To my friends:

Currently, I'm not the friend I want to be. I am spacy, apathetic, overwhelmed, and stretched thin. I THINK about you all the time. Every single one of you, even if we haven't talked in a few months, I probably think about you at least once a week. Oh I should text/call/make plans with/send a card to/apologize/confront/pray for/work harder on/check in on this friend. These are all things I think about. And some weeks I am able to accomplish them with at least one friend. The past few years, I prided myself on maintaining good communication with my friends, and I also sometimes judged those who couldn't do the same. And then I became one of those. And for that, I just want to simply say,

I'm sorry. Please extend grace to me because that's what I need. I'm sorry there have been times that you needed me to do a certain thing (reach out, call, meet up) and I just couldn't make it happen. I really wish I could have. Just know that it isn't just you, it's everyone. I haven't called my grandma all summer (a sentence that feels shameful to write). I really wish I could be all the right things at all the right times. But here it is... I'm not. I am in a heavy grad school program, I'm trying to take care of my health, and I have depression. It's chronic, it's off and on, and it makes it hard to do just about anything. Please don't think I'm neglecting our friendship because it isn't important to me. The friendships I have right now are some of the best I have ever had, and I don't want anything to screw it up. So I guess what I'm saying is, I'm sorry for my part in things, my shortcomings. I am responsible for that.


To myself:

It's not all on you. The guilt you experience is solely from the expectations you put on yourself. No one can be it all. You can't have it all. There is suffering. Don't let the negative emotions cloud the every day good that you are working on. This is a season, and you don't have to be perfect during it. Friendships take two people putting in the effort, and sometimes it's actually not your fault something isn't working (surprise!). Give yourself the same amount of grace you try to give others. Everybody fails. Thinking about things won't make them happen. Take action, but also give yourself the grace to not be everything. Have courage.

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Aaaaand another deep breath. To post this or not to post this? I guess I'm choosing courage today!

- Bethany

Summer Days

It seems like every year summer doesn't truly start for Levi and I until August when camp season is over! Levi was gone for a total of like 6 or 7 weeks in June and July (home on the weekends though!). Now that our schedules have slightly slowed down, we are able to enjoy the river by our house more! Sunday we went to two different spots in Martindale and it felt so good! Since the flood in May, the waters have been super blue and clear. Mosely was loving it and so were we!

- B

Whole30/Paleo/Clean Eating Meal Ideas

Ok, I am on day 16 of a 30 day clean eating plan.

Here's what I am not supposed to have:

- white potatoes
- corn
- rice
- beans
- alcohol
- grains/wheat
- processed foods
- sugar/sweeteners
- limit sweet potatoes
- limit dairy

Basically, I can have:

- vegetables (except starchy ones)
- fruit
- all natural meats
- nuts
- eggs
- protein powder
- dark chocolate

The first 5 days were horrible, but the rest hasn't been as bad as you would think! I haven't been in school so I have had plenty of time to meal plan and prep, which I'm glad for because it seems like that's all you ever do on this diet! I've been snapping pictures of my meals along the way so that I remember what we have made and what we've liked! I thought I'd share some of what we've eaten in case anyone else was desperate for meal ideas like I have been!

Breakfast:

Usually some form of eggs, which I was sick of by week 2. Luckily by week 2 I found a recipe for baked goods that didn't taste like dirt! I also just ordered some chocolate protein powder this week so I'll be trying that out soon!

Scrambled eggs/chopped peppers/pico de gallo 

The Banana Muffins that saved my life by satisfying (sort of) my bread craving:

Found this sausage with peppers and cheese stuffed in it at HEB and it's so good!

Scrambled eggs over leftover chicken fajitas and peppers with pico- I loved this breakfast!

Lunch:

Usually lunch was some form of leftovers or a hodge podge of random items in a salad, but a few times I made specific meals just for lunch.

Taco boats were great, but even with a whole package of ground meat we hardly had any leftover, so it was kind of an expensive lunch.

 I saw this option for "breakfast tacos" on Pinterest and had it for lunch yesterday. It was pretty good! Just scrambled eggs and salsa wrapped in natural lunch meat. 

 Earlier this week I grilled some marinated beef fajita meat to have in salads. Again, with this option we just didn't have as much leftover as I thought we would so it wasn't very cost efficient.

 Anything wrapped in lettuce is basically a go to. I also broke down and purchased veggie chips because I need crunch in my life.

 This is our most typical salad, sautéed chicken and salsa dressing. Not really a fan of salsa dressing or oil and vinegar so it kind of sucks. 

Dinner:

Dinner is usually a little more exciting because we have so many new recipes to try. I finally learned how to cook spaghetti squash where it's actually good! Still not a huge fan of mashed cauliflower, but cauliflower rice is pretty decent. Salmon and some roasted vegetables is our go to quick meal. We have also cooked stir fry a lot too.

Lemon pepper baked salmon, baked asparagus and carrots.

 Burgers stuffed with chopped jalapenos

 The first week we started it was still raining every day so I made us homemade chili that used a million vegetables and was so good!

 We had steak with baked asparagus and fresh baked okra and cauli mash. Sauteed some garlic to add flavor.

 This was one of my favorite meals we've made! Mostly because it doesn't take like you are missing anything. Coconut Crusted Chicken Strips and Stringy Sweet Potato Fries.

 Ok. Paleo Shrimp Scampi won as my favorite meal we've made this month!

 More of that awesome HEB sausage and grilled veggie kabobs.

Chicken Stir Fry with Cauliflower Rice is a go to. I use this recipe, just modified to be Paleo. Use tapioca starch instead of corn starch. 

Snacks:

Usually nuts. Sometimes dark chocolate. Sometimes fruit, I'm not a huge fan of almond butter. I made an appetizer this week that was bacon wrapped jalapenos stuffed with pineapples and it was really good!

Here are a few things I tried that SUCKED and you should stay away from: The "Best" Paleo Brownies, Coconut Milk Ranch Dressing, Spaghetti Squash Casserole. The brownies we referred to as chalk cake. The other two disasters could have been partially my fault so who knows.

So there you have it! That's some of the recipes I've made so far! If you want to see more options, you can check out my Pinterest board where I save all of these. We are only half way through this month so I'd love some more recommendations if any of you have them! Feel free to comment with them!

- Bethany

A little too close for comfort

This week has consisted of devastation that is hard to put into words. Crushing floodwaters have completely wiped out almost 1,000 homes, damaged several hundred more, and taken many lives.

Our home in Martindale wasn't touched.

We live in the middle of a disaster zone right now, and our home was spared. For no good reason other than we were just on a little bit of higher ground.

Sunday morning, as I watched the floodwaters reach my driveway- the furthest they have ever come in at least 100 years- I thought to myself, "This is a little too close for comfort." In the hours that followed, I couldn't get that phrase out of my head. I am so thankful that our home was spared any damage. As I watched my neighbors return to their homes, several of which received significant levels of floodwater damage, I was shocked at the response. These people were smiling, laughing, and getting to work. Not because they had insurance (they didn't) but because it was just life and you just have to go on. I want to be a person like that. Obviously in this devastation there is a place for tears and grief and breakdowns.

But then, we go on. We rally together and move forward. 

I continued to think about being too close for comfort in the days to follow as I cleared mud and debris from inside and outside of people's homes. It is painful to see the devastation. It makes me uncomfortable to face other people's loss. It was too close for comfort. Way too close. But in that zone- the one outside of our comfort- is where big things happen. It's where service and sacrifice and love is shown and given the opportunity to grow. It's when we say, "I am stepping into this with you. I'm here and we'll make it."

Being too close for comfort means being there in the floodwaters of every sense. I want to want to be outside of my comfort zone.

Crying on your bathroom floor? I want to be there.

Digging muddy photos out of your destroyed home? I want to be there.

Feeling hopeless in your marriage? I want to be there.

Grieving the losses of memories and homes and traditions? I want to be there.

Your pain is not too close for comfort. You don't have to have it all together. We can sit in it together. Invite people into it. And if someone invites you into their suffering, just be there. What makes us human isn't avoiding pain at all costs. It's seeing the pain and getting uncomfortable in order to be there for someone. The best way to get involved in a disaster or painful situation is often not the most comfortable option. In fact, usually it will take you getting way beyond your comfort zone.

With the tragedy surrounding us right now in Central Texas, I want to run away. I want to either be out every hour being productive and helping, or I want nothing to do with it. The in between is too uncomfortable. But there must be balance. This recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. And it will involve still maintaining daily life of work, grocery shopping, working out, time with friends, date nights with Levi. But it will also involve seeking out opportunities to serve. Not waiting for them to come to you. Not just throwing out empty offers of "let me know if you need anything!" Find the needs and meet them. Do the work.

I write this as an encouragement to myself mainly. After just three days of work, I'm struggling. I am able to take the day off from this tragedy, but so many are not. I pray that we all would be comforted in knowing that the process of recovery and healing from this disaster is a marathon and there is no rush to be okay.


- Bethany

To Remember: Holiday Wrap Up!

Here are a few random winter happenings that I wanted to catalog here! We had SUCH a good holiday season this year, it probably helped that I didn't have a job, was accepted to grad school, and had nothing to do but Christmas shop and wait it out. This post starts around Thanksgiving and wraps up just after NYE!

Thanksgiving in Conroe was a success, as always!

We attended Wassailfest for the first time this year! It felt like we were in Stars Hollow, just with a lot more people.

Our attempt at an Oscars selfie, is that still a thing in 2015?

My only picture from Sights and Sounds this year. Seems fitting.

We recorded a podcast with our best friends and then ate Pie Society afterwards, and then threw a rotten pumpkin off the top of a parking garage. The things you find to do when you are 25 and bored.

Attended the Austin Stone Staff Christmas Party for the third year in a row. It's hard to believe it's already been 3 years that we've been there! Doesn't Levi look so cute in that Christmas tie?! I know.

Shameless brunch selfie at Magnolias.

NYE celebration was a little more low key in 2014. Of course we still blew things up, but overall it was a calm night.

The President still insists on sharing Mosely's bed with her.

The weekend after New Years, we set out on a mini road trip weekend with the bffs! Plus two dogs. One of which had fish breath, and the other had gas -__- The back was loaded with luggage and food and so the pups + Ashley and Brandon all squeezed into the backseat....it was laughable :) And memorable :)

Then...we got to my grandparents cabin. Which really, cabin might not be the best term. It's a tiny house and so cute, but doesn't quite fit 4 people and 2 dogs. We pulled the couch bed mattress upstairs and all slept in the loft together with both dogs. A huge thunderstorm hit that night which resulted in little sleep for any of us except Brandon (#rude). Lalo ended up on Levi's lap for many hours panting her glorious fish breath on both of us. Haha. It was a night to be remembered :)

This is the Thornton cabin! Situated on my great Aunt Sis's land. We had a blast getting out of town for the weekend. 

The dogs had to be carried to and from the car because it was sooo muddy from all the rain!

Walking around town.

It's not a getaway with photographers until you get a group picture ;)

Evening walks, feeding horses along the way, sipping whiskey from a styrofoam cup to stay warm.

Grilling hotdogs and marshmallows for dinner was just the perfect ending to a relaxing, rejuvenating, FUN weekend away :)

The morning we had to leave- Ashley and I decided it was not the time to care about hair or makeup.

Sidenote- I'm pretty sure it was 30 degrees when we left that morning, yet you can see Brandon was still wearing flip flops. A true Texan.

A selfie of my glorious hair that I learned how to curl finally and realized it looks best parted on the side. And on the right- Levi sported a decent amount of scruff for about 2 weeks!

Lots of bff time! Lunch with Ashley and then I volunteered in Cattie's kindergarten classroom and we literally wore identical outfits accidentally!

Our missional community is pictured below. This is from last Tuesday when we had NINETEEN people come! When we first started this group, we didn't know if ANYONE would come, and now, 6 months in we have almost 20 people attending, with many more emailing us with interest. It's needless to say- San Marcos adults need community. There is a lacking of something for those who aren't in college, but don't have families yet. Our hope for 2015 is that we would split into two groups in the San Marcos area as God continues to bring new people in!

- Bethany