Hello blog, my old friend.

Hello blog, my old friend.

I've spent some time reading back over you (especially years 2013-14). You were so good to me. You helped me so much. You brought out a side of me that is so beautiful, so articulate, so poignant. I miss that side. It hasn't been around in a long time. I haven't been able to pin point the moment in which it was lost, but lost it is.

Or maybe it's not? This rhythm flows, it feels good, but where did it go for so long? Let me think.

I guess it went to graduate school. I guess it went into papers, discussions, insecurities, fears, career. I guess it went to "growing up." I'm 30 now, dear blog. Much has happened and little of it has been aided by emotion. Why is that? According to this blog history, I was really good at emotions. I could feel with the best of them. It was so much of who I was- how did it escape me? When did I put that aside? I'd like it back please. Yes, it hurt, that is true. But it also made things real and hard and vital. Life was urgent. And sure, it's nice not to be urgent all of the time but I have the feeling maybe I could use a little more of it now.

Did you know it's very easy to get comfortable in your 30s? (as someone 2 months into their 30s I can say this with full confidence). You go to work, you meal prep, you watch The Bachelorette, you have fun, and it's all great but....comfortable. And maybe it's my inner angsty teen coming up but hey, we had fun together didn't we? Life was interesting. Life still is interesting. But. But.

So here we are, talking again. It feels a little rusty, it feels a little vulnerable, it feels a little silly (I mean it IS 2019, do people even blog anymore if they aren't a hashtag influencer?). But you know what? Maybe I need a little more rusty, vulnerable, silly things in my life. Yes, yes I think that's it.

 

- B

You are my God

I can't help myself.

No matter what I feel or do, I cannot deny God. I am in utter despair over my faith right now, without hope, but somehow, I can't stop. I cannot turn away.

I can stop going to church. I can stop reading my bible. I can stop praying. But I can't stop wanting God. Even when I don't want to want him, I still want him. I think that's a part of the despair. I want so badly to not feel deeply. To not question. To not need His presence so badly. But I can't go back. Once you've had a taste of who the true God of all the Earth is, you can't take anything else.

I am absolutely gut wrenched over my disconnect with God. This continued lack of confidence in Him, and in my faith in Him. I know that He is willing and ready to meet with me. I know that all I have to do is come. But how do I keep getting in my own way? It isn't as simple as "come". I have come. I've walked out to meet Him, and have repeatedly felt the emptiness of his presence. I don't believe it is sin that got me in this (I mean, obviously it is sin in the way of we live in a broken world caused by sin), but I am wondering if now that it has gone on, is there sin in my lack of reconciliation with God?

While my despair of faith was not caused by specific sin, is there now some sin keeping me from reaching reconciliation? I don't know. I was on Twitter the other day and saw this tweet:

That's a tough one for me. I inherently "know" the last part, that Christ loves me PERIOD. I could easily see myself saying, "God loves me when I read his word." Could I also just as easily say, "God loves me when I don't read his word."? That one is a little harder. But it is just as equally true. God's love for me is regardless of my actions. He loves me even though I am mad at him, and upset, and lacking faith. He loves me just the same.

And that's why I just can't give up. I don't know where I'm going right now, but I know that it will ultimately lead me to Jesus' feet; either tomorrow if he reveals himself or in 70 years when I enter Heaven.

Until then, I will keep holding on, because it's all I can do.

My Heart is Yours

I give you my life

I give you my trust

Jesus

You are my God

You are enough

Jesus

My heart is yours

My heart is yours

Take it all, take it all

My life in your hands

I lay down my life

I take up my cross

Jesus

You are my God

Whatever the cost

Jesus, whoa Jesus

My heart is yours

My heart is yours

Take it all, take it all

My life in your hands

- B

the question game

Let's say I wanted to write a post that helps me understand what exactly I'm feeling. How would I go about doing that? How do you play 20 questions with yourself until you get under the layer? I'm not sure what's under there and so I'm not sure what questions to even be asking.

Do I believe in God?

Am I sinning?

Why do I feel nothing?

Why does the idea of scripture being enough make me so angry?

Will God show up outside of scripture for me? Is my doubt and questioning worth it to him?

Am I sinning by wanting God to speak to me/reveal himself to me/BE THERE outside of scripture?

I did the scripture route. I was faithful through doubt for a very long time. And then faith and perseverance just began to feel like something that was completely up to me to make happen. I had to sustain myself by reading scripture. God wasn't helping me. I really need a relationship with God, I really need reassurance, I need feeling and love and words from God RIGHT NOW and the best way I have been told is to seek him through his Word and you will hear him.

But what about when that isn't happening?

What if I have been seeking and have sought faithfully and earnestly but then I just run out of gas? I know it's not all on me, yet it feels as if God isn't doing his part. What then? I mentally and spiritually am out of juice and I am begging God to come to me. Is that wrong?

Is it wrong to make an active choice to put your bible on the shelf and tell God you hope he is real and if he is to please help?

These are the questions I have. They are questions to which I'm not sure there are general answers that can be given. It seems wrong to affirm someone deciding to not pray or read their bible. But in certain cases, is it?


- Bethany

A little too close for comfort

This week has consisted of devastation that is hard to put into words. Crushing floodwaters have completely wiped out almost 1,000 homes, damaged several hundred more, and taken many lives.

Our home in Martindale wasn't touched.

We live in the middle of a disaster zone right now, and our home was spared. For no good reason other than we were just on a little bit of higher ground.

Sunday morning, as I watched the floodwaters reach my driveway- the furthest they have ever come in at least 100 years- I thought to myself, "This is a little too close for comfort." In the hours that followed, I couldn't get that phrase out of my head. I am so thankful that our home was spared any damage. As I watched my neighbors return to their homes, several of which received significant levels of floodwater damage, I was shocked at the response. These people were smiling, laughing, and getting to work. Not because they had insurance (they didn't) but because it was just life and you just have to go on. I want to be a person like that. Obviously in this devastation there is a place for tears and grief and breakdowns.

But then, we go on. We rally together and move forward. 

I continued to think about being too close for comfort in the days to follow as I cleared mud and debris from inside and outside of people's homes. It is painful to see the devastation. It makes me uncomfortable to face other people's loss. It was too close for comfort. Way too close. But in that zone- the one outside of our comfort- is where big things happen. It's where service and sacrifice and love is shown and given the opportunity to grow. It's when we say, "I am stepping into this with you. I'm here and we'll make it."

Being too close for comfort means being there in the floodwaters of every sense. I want to want to be outside of my comfort zone.

Crying on your bathroom floor? I want to be there.

Digging muddy photos out of your destroyed home? I want to be there.

Feeling hopeless in your marriage? I want to be there.

Grieving the losses of memories and homes and traditions? I want to be there.

Your pain is not too close for comfort. You don't have to have it all together. We can sit in it together. Invite people into it. And if someone invites you into their suffering, just be there. What makes us human isn't avoiding pain at all costs. It's seeing the pain and getting uncomfortable in order to be there for someone. The best way to get involved in a disaster or painful situation is often not the most comfortable option. In fact, usually it will take you getting way beyond your comfort zone.

With the tragedy surrounding us right now in Central Texas, I want to run away. I want to either be out every hour being productive and helping, or I want nothing to do with it. The in between is too uncomfortable. But there must be balance. This recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. And it will involve still maintaining daily life of work, grocery shopping, working out, time with friends, date nights with Levi. But it will also involve seeking out opportunities to serve. Not waiting for them to come to you. Not just throwing out empty offers of "let me know if you need anything!" Find the needs and meet them. Do the work.

I write this as an encouragement to myself mainly. After just three days of work, I'm struggling. I am able to take the day off from this tragedy, but so many are not. I pray that we all would be comforted in knowing that the process of recovery and healing from this disaster is a marathon and there is no rush to be okay.


- Bethany

Isaiah 45:3

My mother in law Lisa is a psychologist. Don't ask me how I lucked out with that connection but I'm so glad I did! I'm guessing it was probably something of God's doing. It seems like something he would do; pair an aspiring counselor with a much more experienced guide. Any who, last week I decided to cash in on this family connection (as I've done a few times in the past), and get a little counseling. And by a little I mean a 3.5 hour sit down about everything under the sun in my life, haha*

*nervous laugh

It was such a good refresher of remembering truths, being validated, and just having that counseling environment that is so open to hashing it all out. I was reminded of certain tendencies I have, and certain things that trigger those tendencies. And it just helped me remember that I'm not crazy, and there is a reason why I do the things I do, think the things I think, and feel the things I feel. I am not operating from an unfixable place, I'm operating the best I can in a broken world. Parenting is broken. Being a kid is broken. Loving others is broken. The government is broken. We are all broken, and I think that a lot of us are trying everything to do the best we can. Thank goodness it's not about what we can do or be (Romans 3:25). It's what God can do and who God can be. 

Sometimes, I get off on a tangent that involves the gospel. I'm going to go ahead and assume that's okay with God. Ahem, now back to where I was heading....

This morning Lisa sent me a text that said this: "Prayerfully chew on this: I will give thee the treasures of darkness. Isaiah 45:3". I really love whenever other people send me scripture with specific instructions or insight. It makes me feel like it's not all up to me (even though it really isn't) to process and dissect scripture. So I was excited to sit down and see what this text was all about, because you know any scripture with the term "darkness" in it is bound to make you joyful, right?

"And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness-

secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord,

the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name."

Isaiah 45:3

At the beginning of chapter 45, we are notified that the Lord is talking to Cyrus, the Lord's Chosen One (also referred to later as His anointed one). God says that He will give him treasures hidden in the darkness. Secret riches. And the reason He's doing it that way (hiding them in darkness) is so that Cyrus will know God is the Lord and that God calls Cyrus by name. That's just a basic observation from verses 1-3. From there, I move on to interpretation (If you are wondering, I use this method to analyze scripture: Observe, Interpret, Apply, Pray). To me, I get the sense that these treasure's hidden in darkness can only be found that way. They can only be discovered and enjoyed through the darkness. And the Lord chose this path for...his anointed one. The Lord's CHOSEN ONE. This wasn't a method that God used for someone that he wanted to teach a lesson to, or someone who he is disappointed in. No! He chooses this path for the one He loves deeply. 

I know about secret riches hidden in darkness. I've BEEN there. I think I've lived there for the past few years, as has been well documented on this blog. And so all that I can see, SCREAMING at me from this text is this: YOU are his anointed one! God chose you and he calls you by name! Yes, you, Bethany! You who struggles with belief, with doubt, with trust, with worry. It's you. You are His anointed one, the one He loves deeply.

Thank you Lord for loving me so deeply that you would show me treasures hidden in darkness. I know that you are the Lord and you call me by name. It is a privilege to suffer in the dark if it means I will know who you are more. I am your anointed one! 

- Bethany

Handling Negative Relationships

I've been putting off this post for the greater part of the past year. It's something I've noticed all around me, yet I have been terrified to approach it because of fear of backlash, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings. Hmm, maybe I do struggle with approval.....Anywho, what I'm talking about is the idea of cutting out the negative people in your life.

Here are some examples of this sentiment:

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy."

"You cannot hang out with negative people and expect to live a positive life."

"I usually give people more chances than they deserve, but once I'm done, I'm done."

"Don't tolerate negative people. Separate them from your life and be happy. You don't need any extra stress in your life."

We seem to be cultivating an idea that if a friendship or relationship does not add to/benefit your life, you need to let it go. Get that out of your life because you sure don't need to let someone else's problems affect you! And I can't help but feel all twisty and weird inside when I hear that. And I know that's the Spirit telling me, "You know that's not right, I say to love others and I will provide you enough love to be able to do that." I spent roughly 15 minutes searching through scripture and here's what I found in that short amount of time:

"So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won't be doing what your sinful nature craves. The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desire sthat are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions." Galatians 5:16-17

"Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowances for each other's faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace." Ephesians 4:2-3

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:31-32

"So be careful how you live. Don't live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don't act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do." Ephesians 5:15-17

"Brothers and sisters we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone." 1 Thessalonians 5:14

I could go on, but I will do a little more talking now. Scripture does a pretty good job of getting this point across and I have begun to realize that when the bible repeats itself, I should probably pay attention. The themes I am constantly seeing are patience, love, forgiveness, endurance. Those are all really hard things to do on your own. If a difficult friendship just hasn't been working and you feel like you are trying to help them in every way you know how, maybe you are trying to rely on your own patience, love and wisdom instead of God's. Try letting him do the work. I've heard it helps.

Negative, unhappy people are the ones who need Christ's love right this moment. They don't need to be unfriended because they "are a drain". They need to have God's love poured into them. And you know how that's done? Through you (Hebrews 4:12). YOU are the example of God's character to everyone you come in contact with. I'm terrified to misrepresent Him. He is a God of deep love, deep forgiveness, deep patience. Jesus was drawn to the weary and broken people then, and I think that's still the people he wants tended to.

Obviously there are situations and relationships that do need to be dealt with in a different way. There comes a point in a friendship that you may need to let them go, in love. An example would be if it becomes clear that their repeated intention is to do you harm. If someone is trying to undo you, it is wise to flee (this only pertains to friendship- not marriage). Regardless of your response to someone though (ie: to endure or to flee), love should be the key ingredient in that response. You can hear more about this in this 10 minute podcast by the CCEF (Is there every a time to walk away from a broken friendship?).

Now, what about a friend who isn't intentionally harming you? Example: Someone who speaks too bluntly, or someone who doesn't speak at all into obvious problems in your life. We are all in relationships with broken people, we all enter relationships with limitations and weaknesses. Talk about someone's weaknesses to the extent that it is profitable. People don't change overnight, and sometimes they don't change at all. Accept them where they are, but wanting better for them. This is a long and patient walk, and this is true of all godly relationships. Sometimes, we are not ready or able to grow in a certain area that needs work. Which means forbearance and endurance in love for those that we are in friendship with.

This is something I struggle with a lot. I see things that need to change (often in others before I see it in myself...oof) and I want them to know about it and work on it immediately. But sometimes they just aren't ready. Or sometimes I could be wrong. I could be speaking out of my own hopes for selfish gain. The only way we will succeed in relationships is by living according to scripture, and letting the Spirit who lives in us guide our actions.

"Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies. Then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 4:11

"Then Peter came to him and asked, "Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?" "No, not seven times", Jesus replied, "but seventy times seven!" Matthew 18:21-22

I know I'm asking a lot in this post. But I want to make a specific call to those of you that consider yourselves deeply committed to following Christ, those of you that are leaders in relationships, those of you that claim to be mature believers:

"You have been believers so long that you ought to be teaching others. Instead, you need someone to teach you again the basic things about God's word. You are like babies who need milk and cannot eat solid food. For someone who lives on milk is still an infant and doesn't know how to do what is right. Solid food if for those who are mature, who through training have the skill to recognize the difference between right and wrong." Hebrews 5:12-14

I say all of this with love and hope,


- Bethany

Porn is Not the Inevitable

A few days ago I read Jennifer Lawrence's response to her nude photos being stolen and published online without her consent. One of her quotes has been eating away at my mind ever since. But before I talk about that, I just want to acknowledge what a horrible abuse of privacy this crime was, and I cannot imagine, I absolutely cannot imagine how that made her feel. She didn't give people permission to see her naked body, yet they still saw it. There's something wrong with that and I want to pray for conviction on the hearts of those who committed this crime.

I'm sure there are approximately 1,000 internet blog responses to her comments right now, but I feel compelled to continue to shed truth on statements she made that are extremely harmful to women right now. The number one concerning statement to me is this:

"I started to write an apology, but I don't have anything to say I'm sorry for. I was in a loving, healthy, great relationship for four years. It was long distance, and either your boyfriend is going to look at porn or he's going to look at you." - Jennifer Lawrence, Vanity Fair 2014

I just want to proclaim to every girl out there: THIS IS NOT TRUE. THIS IS A LIE OUR CULTURE IS BELIEVING. 

Porn is not the inevitable. Men are not without options. They don't HAVE to look at women's naked bodies. It's not normal and it's not ok. And the fact that someone out there feels like they have to send naked pictures of themselves to keep their boyfriend from looking at porn...that's just really wrong. And devastating.

And although I can't imagine the pressure of being thrust into a role model position you didn't ask for, you are a role model none the less. The age range of people who love the Hunger Games ranges anywhere from elementary school kids to moms and grandmas. None of whom need to hear that they probably need to send naked photos to their boyfriend to keep him content. This quote was instantly read by girls of all ages, who adore and idolize Jennifer Lawrence. I could imagine that if I were to have heard that comment at a young age, I would have had some conflicting views.

So if there is anyone struggling with this idea, and feeling conflicted- the fact that you are conflicted is telling you something! The Holy Spirit is in those of us that are saved. And he gives you wisdom and discernment on these issues. If you are feeling conflicted, it's a good thing. The Lord wants good for our lives, and as believers, our lives should not reflect the lives of the world.

"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31

- Bethany

Dearing Estes Jones 1930-2014

I was able to speak at my grandfather's memorial service last week and I truly felt like the spirit of God was present. I want to share the words I spoke here to remember.


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"I thought that when this day came, I would be a blubbering mess. But it's amazing the ways that God can change your heart and your understanding of why death happens. I will be reading what I have written down, because honestly I am terrified of public speaking. I am comforted by what it says in Isaiah 57:2, “For those who follow godly paths will rest in peace when they die.” I want to read a line from a poem my grandpa wrote, titled “The Little Things”:

“But Lord I thank you for the little things! The little bird that visits a prison cell window, with a tune of comfort.”

I feel like everything about his character can be found in that one line. Dearing loved God, he was compassionate, he was generous to a fault, he spoke the truth about Jesus often, and he knew everything came from the Lord. Romans 12:36 says “For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen.” Everything that exists is intended for God's glory. Even death. Even sickness. God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him. Meaning, even in suffering and death...if it means you are turning to Jesus, then it is good. Romans 8:17 says “And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory. But if we share in his glory, we must also share in his suffering.”

There has been suffering in this world ever since sin entered the scene with Adam and Eve. Because of sin, we now have death. But because of Christ's perfect life, death on the cross, and then his resurrection into heaven, we now have life. Because of this act, when death presents itself for a believer, we are not to grieve like people who have no hope. “We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are.” Romans 3:22.

I say all of this for two reasons. One, it's what Papa would want to be said. And two, I am compelled to speak the truth of salvation and hope in Jesus Christ to all of you. Let me close with a prayer:

God I pray that we wouldn't despair. I pray that Papa's death would point every single person back to you. I pray that many salvations will continue to come out of his legacy. That we remember and rejoice in where he has gone. He is more alive today than he ever has been. Father I pray that we look to you for our comfort. Death happens because sin entered the world. And so when we grieve, let us grieve over sin. I pray that we hate sin, and embrace you instead. Because the wages of sin are death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Jesus. Papa has a new restored body and mind in heaven, and for that we worship and adore you. Amen.”

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- Bethany

Do I have something on my face?

This post has been brewing for a while. In the past 5 years, I really haven't been so good at friendships. I can easily lose touch, get my feelings hurt, or just stop putting effort in. Up until the last 2 years, I was lacking true friendships and deep relationships.

And then God started changing me, like he likes to do.

My eyes were opened to the world of being vulnerable and what an incredible feeling it can be to share and to forgive. I have been blessed with the opportunities for close friendships this year, and I feel like I'm finally letting the Holy Spirit give me wisdom about how to maintain these relationships. Turns out, scripture talks A LOT about friendship and relationships :)

I finally decided to write this post when I visited my friend Cattie's church last Sunday. The pastor had some awesome things to say about true friendship and it was just what I needed to get the ball rolling! I believe his name was Randy, and he started out by saying he wanted the kind of friend that would tell him when he had food on his face. Don't we all want that? How embarrassing is it to find out you've been talking all along with chocolate on your face? It's terrible! We love it when someone pulls us aside and says, "Dude, there's something on your face, let me help you get it off."And that right there is my short hand for what it says in Proverbs:

"Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel." Proverbs 27:17

I looked up the definition for earnest and counsel, because that helps sometimes. Counsel means advice, especially given formally. And earnest means showing sincere and intense conviction. So, earnest counsel sounds really pretty, but it doesn't always feel that way. Sometimes, because of our own sin and defensiveness, it feels like an attack. Which I think is why many friendships never make it past this point. Defenses immediately go up, feelings are hurt, accusations are thrown. And then it either gets swept under the rug if you want the relationship to continue, or it ends the friendship. Neither of those is a great choice. 

"Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy." Proverbs 27:5-6

Do you really want a friend who has all of these internal concerns for you, but never says them? What kind of friendship is that? This kind of openness I'm talking about is not free from hurt, just because it's right and true and sincere, doesn't mean it won't be difficult or hurtful sometimes. But I love what Proverbs says, "FAITHFUL are the wounds of a FRIEND". The hurt is not without purpose, it is not without LOVE. 

Love is not letting someone continue in their sins because it's a hard conversation to have. Or because you are worried the friendship might not survive that talk. With friendships today, we are so scared to offend anyone that we don't call out sin or things that need to change when we see it. Really, why would we be so shocked if someone had a problem with us? We are ALL SINNERS. You will never have a friend who is not a sinner. We should all be open to rebuke because we ALL have the potential to hurt others. 

I say this, because I am one of the worst. I HATE criticism. I don't want to have to change. It's painful and sad. But I welcome it (maybe not at the exact moment) because I know the fruit it will bring and I appreciate the heart of my friends behind it. It's just as hard for them to bring up a flaw as it is for me to hear it. I want a friend who is more worried about my eternal salvation and sanctification than an easy friendship. As the pastor last week said, "I'm not interested in politically correct friendships." 

And so now that we've seen the facts about biblical friendship. What do you do if you don't have that? 

Be the one to start it.

Don't think, "Man no one loves me that well or cares that much." Be the one that loves that well and cares that much. It is hard, and I'm still figuring things out, but the results I have already seen from my friendships like this are HUGE. There is a love and acceptance there, a vulnerability established to where we can confess anything and confront each other about anything. I pray for graciousness for us all, that we would recognize we are all sinners and all in need of growth and change. And I praise God that we have the ultimate friend. One who will not let us sit in our sin, who convicts us in love, who guides our way. Thank you God for your son Jesus! 

And now, a montage of some of my best friendships in which the pictures were easily accessible on my computer or facebook ;)

I also just want to note that I write this post with a lot of conviction. With a want to do better, but also a fear of how it will be received. One thing preached at our church recently was the idea that you can not be deeply encouraged about something until you are deeply known. You friends cannot speak into your heart about something they don't know. So I encourage you to be bold and vulnerable, to allow these people in! I'm praying that God can use these words to affect many of us and our friendships!

- Bethany

more resources: Wisdom in Friendship, The Discipline of Prayer

A Story of God Showing Up

This is the story of God turning tears of despair into tears of joy. Where should I begin?

My faith has been a struggle. The documentation of it on this blog is only the tip of the iceberg. I have been in an ongoing darkness from God for the past 3 years. And no, I'm not exaggerating. Yes, there were times of hope and small signs that it wasn't all for naught, but in general, it was just dark. I just want to preface this entire post with this sentiment. God did not quickly come to my aid, he didn't let me struggle for a few weeks and then reveal himself. This has been the most painful experience of my life. And if any of you are struggling with something similar, waiting on God to show up, I want this to encourage you, not discourage you. I get really discouraged when I hear someone who struggled for a month or two, or even 6 months, but then God rescued them (not that there is anything wrong with that! A one month struggle is a struggle none the less). I just would think, "What the hell? Why am I STILL struggling and hearing nothing God?" It wasn't fair to me. So, if that's you, know that that's not this story. This isn't a story of a quick fix.

Now. Let me begin...For a long time, I've doubted God and his plans and ways. I mean, is it really best to let someone not hear from you for 3 years? Those are 3 years I could have been witnessing to other people! Years I could have been praying for others! That lack of trust is what consumed the first 2.5 years. I couldn't even attend church because I was PISSED at God. Worship songs just made me want to scream "THAT'S NOT TRUE!!! You really don't show up or love us that much!".

Then, these last 6 months came along. And I doubted the very existence of God. That's not a fun place to be. I mean, at this point I hadn't felt the presence of God in almost 3 years, what else was I supposed to think? Lucky for me, I was smack dab in the middle of a 9 month theological development class that taught me what the bible said about EVERYTHING. But what does that teaching mean if you don't fully believe any of it?

Somehow, wouldn't you know it, God knew what he was doing.

God knew that if I continued to hear over and over that reading His Word was the only way to guarantee hearing from him, that I would eventually try it. And so, for the past 2 months, that's what I've been trying.

Let's jump to last Saturday afternoon.

That morning I read in Jeremiah 31:9 this, "Tears of joy will stream down their faces, and I will lead them home with great care. They will walk beside quiet streams and on smooth paths where they will not stumble. For I am Israel's father and Ephraim is my oldest child." The people of Israel were in the dark for FORTY years. So yeah, I suppose 3 years is nothing in comparison to that! But God had this hope for Israel, he had future plans of good for them. And so that morning as I journaled, I prayed that God would give me tears of joy instead of tears of despair. That he would bring me to those quiet streams and smooth paths, I am so tired of stumbling. I ended my prayer with, "Guide me through my day, confirm my faith."

......later that day.......

I was folding laundry in my bedroom while listening to this sermon called How We Are Saved that Matt Carter preached a couple of weeks ago at church. I was listening along the whole time and really enjoying what he had to say, but still not really expecting to hear or feel anything from God afterwards. Well, as Matt's finishing up the sermon (which I highly recommend listening to) he quotes this scripture that I have heard a thousand times.

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ" Philippians 1:6

I dropped to my knees immediately, and let out a sob. I can't say that it was new knowledge, I've been told this verse a million times during my struggles. But that Saturday, God used it to speak to me. GOD SPOKE TO ME!!!! HE SHOWED UP!!!!!! I received the tears of joy that I had asked for only just a few hours before! How's that for a turn around time?! Right after this moment, I went to journal my experience because I know I can easily forget moments where God moved. Here is an excerpt:

"These words saved me from despair. Lord imprint them on my heart. I had faith because YOU started it in me, and even though my faith is wavering, you will follow through with me til the end. I'm not out of your grasp, I'm right in the center of you hand." April 19, 2014

And then if all of that wasn't enough, Monday evening I was studying for my upcoming oral exam through my class and I came across this topic of salvation and sanctification. Basically, I was studying if believer's can fall away and then why we struggle.

In 1 Peter 1:5 it says that those, "who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time." The word guarded here can mean both "kept from escaping" and "protected from attack". God is preserving believers from escaping out of his kingdom, and he is protecting them from external attacks.

This is why I haven't stopped believing!!! It's not by my own faith or will power. It's because GOD was GUARDING ME. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS????!!!!

Then the scripture goes on to say, "In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith- more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 1:6-8. My faith has been tested and it has resulted in PRAISE and GLORY and HONOR at the revelation that God is REAL! And not only is he real, but HE SHOWS UP.

I am not naive enough to believe that this will be the end of my struggles, but I see a relief. God spoke to me once, and I know where to find him again....in his word.

- Bethany

Love Never Fails

Last month it had been two years.

Two years since our counselor told each of us, individually, that we should seek divorce. That there was no solution for us. There was no hope for our marriage. We wouldn't be able to make it work.

It felt dirty and wrong, the way the idea was planted in our minds by someone we trusted. But it also felt like... how did we end up here? Even the professional thinks we made a mistake in getting married!

It was two years ago that I sat dry heaving on our bathroom floor, because Levi said the D word. It makes me shake just thinking back to it. Someone of authority and trust, told us these things.

But what also happened two years ago, is that we decided, on the cold bathroom floor, that it wouldn't fail. We decided to believe the ULTIMATE authority and trustworthy counselor. We didn't care what some professional told us, we knew what the word of GOD has to say. And it's something much different.

"O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption." Psalm 130:7

Our love did not have to fail, because Christ had given us an unending supply of love. When we run out (and we would) we can turn to Christ and use the love he has given us to love others.

"We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:19

Oddly, after having made the decision to take divorce off of the table, our marriage was not magically fixed. We had been in counseling for about 7 months, just long enough to stir up all of our sin and past hurts. Obviously, we weren't going back to that counselor. For a few months, we sort of just had breathing room. Things hit such an emotional peak, that we needed some time to just be. Over the summer we started listening to the Austin Stone's sermons on marriage. In December of 2012 we started to find biblical community. We also started back at counseling. This time, through the Austin Stone Counseling Center.

I think continuous counseling is one of the best decisions we've made in life. While yes, it went terribly wrong at first...I'm thankful that we didn't harden our hearts to the entire counseling world. We found the most incredible, christian counselor who constantly pointed us back to Jesus and back to the purpose of marriage. Spoiler alert: it's not for your happiness!

I was surprised to learn that.

We started reading the book Sacred Marriage, which helps give you a picture of what biblical marriage looks like. It turns out, marriage is supposed to be a picture of Christ's relationship with the church. I'm sure you've heard that statement before. But what does it mean?

It means, that Christ loves the church and will never forsake her. No matter how much the church hurts Jesus, he's not going anywhere. And marriage, oooh marriage, it's supposed to be a picture of THAT.

That is why marriage is such a weighty calling. It's not to be jumped into lightly. Honestly, we didn't know this before we got married. I just thought, hey I like this guy a lot and we have fun! I want to live with him! I want to travel together! I didn't think marriage would entail CONSTANTLY having to die to my own desires and ways I think things should be done.

Marriage is a lot. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But it's also the only thing that has pushed me closer and closer to the Lord. It's a trial unlike any other.

Levi and I attended counseling weekly for almost an entire year. We stopped this past October 2013. I have to fight for my marriage every.single.day. The day that I let my guard down, the day I say I really don't want to try. That's when Satan gets his foothold. Altogether, in the past two years we have more often then not, been going to counseling!

If you think you can't afford counseling, don't let that stop you. They offer scholarships and discounted rates. Ask your community for help. Ask me for help! It's worth it to fight.

Just to be clear, our problems in marriage never came across as huge problems. There wasn't cheating, mistrust, lying, abuse, secrets. We suffered more from selfishness, from just being opposite people in every way you could be (except horror movies, we've both got that ;), from being immature in our faith, from thinking it should be easy, from thinking it shouldn't take this much work, from just...not liking each other. And to be clear, those problems are JUST as valid as adultery. They will eat away at your marriage JUST as sneakily as secrets.

We often had people in our life wondering why in the world we were in counseling? We are both nice people! We both love Jesus! Why did we need so much help? We didn't want to settle for just both being ok people. We want to know how to display God's love to others through our relationship. If we fight this hard for our love, how much more is God fighting for YOUR heart?

- Bethany

Has the Lord rejected me forever?

Psalm 77

I cry out to God; yes, I shout.

Oh, that God would listen to me!

When I was in deep trouble,

I searched for the Lord. All night long I prayed, with hands lifted towards heaven,

but my soul was not comforted.

I think of God, and I moan, overwhelmed with longing for his help.

You don't let me sleep.

I am too distressed even to pray!

I think of the good old days, long since ended,

when my nights were filled with joyful songs.

I search my soul and ponder the difference now.

Has the Lord rejected me forever?

Will he never be kind to me again?

Is his unfailing love gone forever?

Have his promises permanently failed?

Has God forgotten to be gracious?

Has he slammed the door on his compassion?

And I said, "This is my fate; the Most High has turned his hand against me."

But then I recall all you have done, O Lord; I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.

They are constantly in my thoughts.

I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works.

O God, your ways are holy.

Is there any god as mighty as you?

You are the God of great wonders!

You demonstrate your awesome power among the nations.

By your strong arm, you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

When the Red Sea saw you, O God, its waters looked and trembled!

The sea quaked to its very depths.

The clouds poured down rain; the thunder rumbled in the sky. You arrows of lightning flashed.

Your thunder roared from the whirlwind; the lightning lit up the world!

The earth trembled and shook.

Your road led through the sea, your pathway through might waters- 

a pathway no one knew was there!

You led your people along that road like a flock of sheep, 

with Moses and Aaron as their shepherds.

Psalm 77

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I did not want to read my bible this morning. I listened to a few Ask Pastor John sermons while I had breakfast. I debated just going and responding to emails. But somehow, by the power of Christ IN me, I was able to go into my bedroom and pick up my bible. Psalm 77 is where I landed. And it's where I am. And I know/want to believe that this is God speaking to me. Telling me he knows what I'm going through, and he has a comfort for me. And that it's his word; that is my comfort. For so long I felt like the writer in verse 10 where he has accepted his fate. "This is just how things will be, I will no longer feel God," those were my thoughts. For probably the past year and a half that I have had silence from God, this is what I started to believe. But then I read Psalm 77 and I see ME. And I know that God will get me to the last part. That I will have power in remembering God's past works. 

He's there, just not all the way yet. But it almost feels like a phone call saying, "Don't worry, I'm coming back soon."

I hope so.

Thank you God for the power to want to read your word today. Thank you for providing the Psalms, for people who are so hurting but wanting to run to you. Thank you for Psalm 77 and for showing up this morning.

- Bethany

Journeying and Journaling

Ok, it's been almost 2 weeks. I can process a little more.

"Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods." - C.S. Lewis.

Well DANG. I always took faith for granted. Never even thought of it as something that might be a struggle one day. I think it's one of those things you can get lazy with, and then once it weakens (from lack of attention), you get all bent out of shape thinking, "What the heck God? Where'd my faith go?"

Oh. It decreased every time I chose to run to others instead of to you, it inched away every time I chose a tv show over reading your word. It died every time I just wanted things to happen without the effort and groaning that your word says WILL be there.

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share in Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when His glory is revealed." 1 Peter 4:12-13

In simple terms, it's saying, "Hello, hi, you've read scripture haven't you? Great. Then WHY are you surprised and shocked when you suffer? We've told you it will happen! #pleaselisten". Or something like that.

You can find further affirmation for this lesson here:

"And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering." Romans 8:17

I wish I could tell you why God set it up this way. Why there has to be suffering in this lifetime. But that IS the way God has things set up. And we can trust that it is ultimately for his glory and for the most good. When my life is going great, and I don't see suffering around me, there is really no reason for me to long to be in Heaven. We are such a people, that we need the sufferings of this world to help continually point us back to Jesus. I wish that there was another way. But, in my experience, suffering is the only thing that makes me bank everything on Jesus and the hope of future glorification (being unified as a body with Christ in a new perfect Kingdom with perfect bodies).

I am finally being encouraged by my own suffering and pain. My doubts and struggles with belief are not because I may not be a Christian...they are BECAUSE I am a Christian. Only Christians struggle with sin (in my case, that would be disbelief, lack of trust, and guilt). If I didn't have the spirit of God inside me, why would I care about my lack of faith? Why would it bother me so much if I didn't read the bible or worship God? It wouldn't affect me at all.

So the fact that I am struggling IS a sign of belief. I cannot tell you what an encouragement and relief that it is to know. I am 100% experiencing the act of "working out your salvation with fear and trembling" that is talked about in Philippians 2.

I'm not getting further from God, even though it feels like that sometimes. I am working out my salvation, my faith, so that when I come out of this, it will be 10 times stronger.

I want to record this moment as a very gradual step, but a step none the less, towards strengthening my faith and coming out of this cloud of doubt. What I learned last night (in my Women's Development Program) was real and was revealed by the Holy Spirit, not just my mind or others words.

I didn't feel this amazing moment of God speaking clearly to me, I didn't see a vision and have hope, my fears have not gone away. But I have grabbed onto a tiny thread of hope and I'm counting it as a win.

- Bethany

I had a really good morning. Levi and I went to brunch and processed some thoughts of what we have read together. More mornings like this, please.

I'm a Goer

I'm leaving in two weeks for New York, where I will be sharing the gospel of Christ to an unreached group of people. What an unreached people group means, is that less than 2% of the people living there are Christians. Because we are going on a short term trip, we are partnering with a non profit group that has established a long term mission organization there. They will be training us in the mornings on how to reach this people group, how to make connections, and how to talk about Jesus with them. Then in the afternoons we will be sent out to the streets where we will spend time walking in prayer through their neighborhood.

By physically putting ourselves in a place, we are more likely to become aware of the specific needs of the area, more than we could praying alone in our room. Prayer walking is also an act of confidence in God's power over a particular situation. We are praying and banking on the fact that God will use us because we are THERE. It will be awkward. It just WILL. We will get right to the point with people, "Hey I like your shoes, you wanna talk about Jesus?".

My number one fear is the fact that I am still struggling with hearing from God. My knowledge in the truth of what scripture says about God has increased, but I still struggle so much with doubt and lack of faith. I'm worried that this will hinder me while trying to share Jesus with people. I want to believe, and most of the time I do believe. But sometimes I don't believe what I'm saying. And that's a scary place to be in right before you are supposed to be sharing your beliefs with other people. If you could please be praying that God would clearly speak to me, that he would increase my faith, and that I would trust the Holy Spirit to do the work. I need those prayers, they count, I know they can change me.

Because of the sensitive nature of our trip, I can't share a ton of details on the WHO until we return. I've learned a lot about unreached people in general as I've prepared for this trip and it's only increased my drive to bring the GOOD good news of Jesus to them. These people believe in the oneness of God, they believe in Jesus and think he is a great prophet (they love him!), but they don't believe he is the Messiah. The savior for us, the sacrifice that took our place and saved us from God's due judgement. They believe that at the end of your life, if the good deeds outweigh the bad, then you go to heaven. It's 100% a works based religion. If you make sure and pray 5 times a day, give your alms (donate to poor) to the needy, make your pilgrimage to Mecca. All of these things seem to have a point value, and if you wrack up enough points, then you are good enough to get to heaven.

The hang up with this is the fact that we serve a HOLY God. Even if we did amazing deeds every day, we will NEVER, I repeat never, be ok on our own to come to God. He is too holy, he is too pure and good and just. This is why we need to Jesus, there has to be a covering of our sin so that God can look at us. When he looks at you, he only sees Jesus' perfection (if you believe Jesus is the son of God, and he died for you and rose again). This is not the case with these people. They don't accept Jesus as savior, and so no matter how many good deeds they do, even one blemish is too much for a holy God to look at.

I am dying to share this good news. That you don't have to be perfect. You can rely on Jesus and then just accept the love that God wants to give! Pray that ears will be opened, that we will speak with fertile soil that is ready to take root this truth. Pray that we would speak with leaders and strong minded people, that would open their hearts to believe and then continue to spread the truth back to their families here and families overseas. That it wouldn't stop with us sharing the gospel with them, but that it would continue to multiply, and reach places we didn't even travel to reach!

I have so much more to say, hopefully I can continue to process this trip over the next week and a half and gain even more hope and understanding of what my purpose will be to these people. I just want to end with talking about our call as believers in God. There are so many people in America that apply the term Christian to themselves. But their lives don't reflect it. There is no product of that belief and all that it entails. It isn't enough to just believe in God and believe that Jesus died for your sins! Even the demons believe that! James 2:19 "You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that--and shudder!" BELIEF ALONE IS NOT ENOUGH. Let me take it straight out of scripture:

"What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don't show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone? Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, and you say; stay warm and eat well- but then you don't give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do? So you see, faith by itself isn't enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless."- James 2:14-17

I'm BEGGING you, Christian, to ask yourself these hard questions. To examine your faith in God and see if it's about you or if it's about Him. Spoiler Alert: It should be about him. HE is the creator! We are the created! It's about Him, and serving His will. That's life.

If you want to know more about my trip, or any of the things I talked about here, please feel free to shoot me an email! It's clearly a topic I am passionate about and I'd love to talk more. And please know, this is by no means coming from a ground higher than the one you are on. I'm right there with you. The commands of the bible are TOUGH. But they are commands none the less, and as long as my focus remains on it not being done by my own strength, I know it's possible. Please join me in prayer for this trip, for the Muslim population of this world, the unreached people of the world, and for the Americanized Christians that just don't know that there's actually more to it.

- Bethany

Thirst

Wash over me like a tidal wave

Clean out what pulls me to the grave

Nothing left that you don't love

Take me where your river flows

Heal the desert in my soul

Let it wash over my feet

All I'm asking for is just a drink

I thirst for you

These are some of the lyrics to Phil Wickham's new song, Thirst. I cannot get enough of it. The song itself is beautiful, but the lyrics grabbed my heart tonight. I was driving home and just let this song repeat. I am so desperate. I am desperate to be healed from my doubt. My soul feels like a desert, and the only thing that can heal it is God. God why aren't you healing my soul? All I'm asking for is just a drink. I need just a drink. Just give me a taste of faith, of hope, of belief. When I'm surrounded by a fog of doubt, grab my heart God! Just do something! Please! 

I try to just "be" and let you do your work. I try to continue to pray, knowing that suffering always produces growth and faith. But I feel like I'm reverting. I feel my faith slipping. I don't want that. I'm begging you God, let me not pray these things in vain. 

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These are my prayers. I could use some of your prayers too. I'm not hopeless, but I am just incredibly doubtful and cynical. 

Just keeping it real.

- Bethany

Sometimes, God is a horse.

I just got back from a perfectly cozy relaxing weekend at my aunt's farm house. Recently I've been challenged to continue to pursue/be desperate for God even when I'm not feeling so desperate. No matter whether I feel desperate for the Lord or not, I AM always desperate for his grace, mercy, love and direction in my life. 

Earlier this morning I was texting Levi and told him I was praying that he would experience God's presence this morning as he played drums at church. He said he would be praying the same for my morning, and I just needed to record this answered prayer! Jesus is such a playful person who knows me so well. And he showed up in a horse today. Particularly, a horse named Tinkerbell.

Horses have always had a special place for me. I feel so comfortable with them, and love just being around them. It's calming to me...This morning as we were all getting ready to head out, I went to take some pictures of the morning mist over the fields. Tinkerbell had been wandering around all weekend but paid zero attention to me (I hate when animals ignore me). Well, when I start taking pictures, Tinkerbell just comes RUNNING towards me! She stopped right in front of me, I mean literal inches from me. And we had a moment. A few moments. She nuzzled me, I patted her, we stood together for about 5 minutes. I realized that OF COURSE this was God answering my prayers. I know God was not literally a horse named Tinkerbell at that moment, but God sure orchestrated that whole thing because he knew that's what my heart needed and that's how I would feel Him.

I was in a dark place with God for so long. Wavering in my belief every moment, never feeling God and not understanding why. I am so thankful for perseverance and for answers to prayer. I'm seeing God. He's there, and he always was- I just needed to learn how to see it in other ways. If you are in that time of wondering why God isn't showing up in your life, I pray that you can persevere. I don't have any tips or tricks, although this verse did help me:

"I believe; help my unbelief!" Mark 9:24

God KNOWS your thoughts, you can't hide unbelief or doubt from him. So just own up to it! And ask him to change that! And be open with others about it. There is no shame in confession to other believers, only healing! 

Somehow I end up preaching in every dang blog post I write. I remember in Jr. High I used to wonder if I ever might speak to groups. Who knows- maybe blog writing is my form of preaching, it sure beats public speaking!

- Bethany

Love & Forgiveness, Yall.

A friend of mine posted a link to this article on Facebook and I really wanted to share the diagram here, as a reminder to myself and to share with you all what the bible says about marriage!

I went into marriage with a world view of marriage. I didn't realize that, but that's what I did. It's an effort every single day to remind myself of what GOD wants for my marriage, not what I think I deserve. I think we all can use a reminder of this- single, young married, long time married, etc. Biblical truth is never something that can be said too much.

"Since God chose you to be the holy people that he loves, you must clothe yourself with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourself with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony." Colossians 3:12-14

Notice that the bible does not say, "It's recommended that you forgive others." It instead says "Forgive anyone who offends you." I also love that it says, "Make allowances for each other's faults." I don't implement that second half near enough. Forgiveness is a requirement by God; in Matthew 6 Jesus straight up says- if you don't forgive others, neither will your Father forgive you. Um- hi, I'd like to be forgiven. So I'm going to start by forgiving others. 

- Bethany

It's going to be uncomfortable

I've struggled a lot in my faith. I'm still struggling. It's a struggle. Having faith is a really really really hard thing to do. When you are trying to do it on your own, that is.

How do you have more faith?

Romans 10:17 says, "So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ."

This literally means, read the bible ---> gain faith.

I have a hard time accepting that. But, it's true nonetheless. Like I mentioned a few weeks ago, I've been taking a theological development class and it's kicking my butt. And opening my eyes. I've been wanting to write about what I'm learning, but honestly it's just SO much every week that I don't even know where to begin. And it takes a lot more concentration and thought, so I've put it off.

Ok, back to receiving faith. In Romans 1:18-23 it talks about God revealing himself to us. God chooses to reveal himself to mankind, but man on his own will not understand it. You cannot know/understand God without God. It's a circular explanation, but it makes total sense. How in the world could the created understand their creator without the creator's help? God I beg you to help me understand you.

There's SO much that I don't understand about God. I don't understand how he can hear a million separate prayers at once. I don't understand why he allows suffering. I don't understand why he chooses to reveal himself to some people, but keep other people's hearts hardened. This used to really really bother me. I wanted to understand God completely. But actually? It's none of my business. Things are not illogical, they are just past OUR logic. We cannot see the whole pattern of God. It is a form of humility to accept illogical biblical things. God does not give us all of the information, and he doesn't HAVE to. HE is the creator, he is the all knowing, all powerful, incredible being. Not us. He is no where even close to being on our level, there are thousands of things we will never be able to understand about God. We cannot assume to know things that are not clear, because we are not all knowing. God is.

In my mind, I've created a loving wimpy God who doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. That's not who God is. Yes God is loving and yes he cares about how people feel, but he cares about showing his glory more. There was a recent poll taken in the U.S., take a minute and see what you answer:

Do you believe all of these things?
- Christians have a personal responsibility to share their faith
- The Bible is accurate
- God is all knowing, all powerful, Creator of the universe who still rules that universe today
- When Jesus was on earth, He lived a sinless life
- Satan is real
- A person cannot earn his or her eternal salvation by being good or doing good things for other people; salvation is a FREE gift from God.

So, what's your tally? Do you agree with all of that? Those are the basic tenants of Christian faith. That is what it means to call yourself a Christian. Do you know how many Americans said they believed all of those things?

3%.

Three percent. THREE percent. I cannot grasp. When I was asked how many I thought it was, I said between 20 and 30%. So wrong. Do you want to know how many Americans claim to be Christian?

83%.

All this to say, you can know God, you can know his love and believe in his word. But if Jesus isn't a part of that equation and a part of your every day life, you are not saved. I want to believe in the non offensive Christianity. But in reality, that's not real. Jesus offended people. He spoke truth and it made people uncomfortable. So I'm not sorry if this made any one uncomfortable. I'M uncomfortable! My life was way more put together when I just went to church and prayed when I needed something. Now it's messy. I'm deep in the trenches of biblical community; sharing life and vulnerability with people. I'm talking about things that I'd rather just leave unsaid. But my goal is to glorify the Lord, my Jesus, my sweet deliverer and comforter and daily bread. I'm hurting but I have an eternal life of rejoicing waiting for me at the end.

*remind me to talk about how I used to think Heaven sounded boring. Spoiler Alert: It's not!