Why I haven't written about New York.

Thoughts on my trip? I feel like I'd be deceiving you. It's complicated, incredibly, indecipherably complicated.

Let me break it down:

1) This past week was amazing. I was obedient to the Lord, I felt comfortable and strong when approaching people of all different cultures on the street. I did not fear bringing up spiritual dialogue with these women of Jackson Heights, New York. I knew the truth to say, and I knew that if God wanted them to receive it, they would.

But. I also felt this:

2) This past week was truly horrific. In the midst of trying to tell other people about the gospel, the Good News, the saving grace I bank my life on....I doubted it. The more I spoke "truth" the more it sounded like fantasy to me. Just a story. I feel more like an atheist than a christian sometimes.

Every time I read point number 2 it just crushes me. I want to stop acknowledging it in hopes that it will just go away and stop being real. But that hasn't happened. And I don't really do well with not discussing my feelings (hence this here blog).

There is something in me that can't stop trying to believe though. I want to believe. I know that in Romans it says that God has made it obvious to the world. His existence is obvious to all of us, it's just whether we can acknowledge it. I want to believe today. But I didn't want to yesterday. And I'm scared for more days like yesterday to come.

I will continue to seek comfort in scripture, I know that is the number one place where my answers will come from. But I am also seeking out other people's stories, books on doubt, digging into the people of the bible who doubted. If you have experienced anything like this, please share with me.

I feel weird ending this post on such a solemn note. Obviously this is a topic that is strongly affecting my life right now, but life is still life, and I'm trying to remain joyful. I just ordered the book, God in the Dark. This is a quote by the author that I appreciated,

"Os Guinness explains: "If ours is an examined faith, we should be unafraid to doubt . . . There is no believing without some doubting, and believing is all the stronger for understanding and resolving doubt"

"Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:30–31)

So there you have it. All wrapped up in a wordy little blog post. New York was amazing and I loved it and I have so much to say. But for now, I needed to say this.

- Bethany