An Open Apology

I had to write this down because it's been weighing so heavily on me the past few weeks. I seem to feel like I'm constantly letting someone down and in turn, I feel guilty. The cycle has to stop. Here is an open acknowledgement of where I'm at. An acknowledgement of my shortcomings. Deeeeep breath.


To my friends:

Currently, I'm not the friend I want to be. I am spacy, apathetic, overwhelmed, and stretched thin. I THINK about you all the time. Every single one of you, even if we haven't talked in a few months, I probably think about you at least once a week. Oh I should text/call/make plans with/send a card to/apologize/confront/pray for/work harder on/check in on this friend. These are all things I think about. And some weeks I am able to accomplish them with at least one friend. The past few years, I prided myself on maintaining good communication with my friends, and I also sometimes judged those who couldn't do the same. And then I became one of those. And for that, I just want to simply say,

I'm sorry. Please extend grace to me because that's what I need. I'm sorry there have been times that you needed me to do a certain thing (reach out, call, meet up) and I just couldn't make it happen. I really wish I could have. Just know that it isn't just you, it's everyone. I haven't called my grandma all summer (a sentence that feels shameful to write). I really wish I could be all the right things at all the right times. But here it is... I'm not. I am in a heavy grad school program, I'm trying to take care of my health, and I have depression. It's chronic, it's off and on, and it makes it hard to do just about anything. Please don't think I'm neglecting our friendship because it isn't important to me. The friendships I have right now are some of the best I have ever had, and I don't want anything to screw it up. So I guess what I'm saying is, I'm sorry for my part in things, my shortcomings. I am responsible for that.


To myself:

It's not all on you. The guilt you experience is solely from the expectations you put on yourself. No one can be it all. You can't have it all. There is suffering. Don't let the negative emotions cloud the every day good that you are working on. This is a season, and you don't have to be perfect during it. Friendships take two people putting in the effort, and sometimes it's actually not your fault something isn't working (surprise!). Give yourself the same amount of grace you try to give others. Everybody fails. Thinking about things won't make them happen. Take action, but also give yourself the grace to not be everything. Have courage.

-----------

Aaaaand another deep breath. To post this or not to post this? I guess I'm choosing courage today!

- Bethany

Lake Tahoe: Sand Harbor + Our Cabin

Ok, let the travel photo posts commence! This summer, Levi and I took a trip to Northern California (Lake Tahoe + Bay Area) to celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary. It was INCREDIBLE and probably our most documented trip to date, haha. The views were stunning and we were completely blown away by the uniqueness of this part of the country. I feel like there needs to be a new term created to describe Lake Tahoe because "lake" doesn't do it justice. We spent 4 nights in Tahoe and then drove to the coast and spent 3 nights in Mill Valley, just north of San Francisco. We hiked and explored so many different places while traveling so I'm going to break our trip up into multiple posts that cover the different places!

We had an early flight on the way there so we arrived in Reno, Nevada around 10am and drove to Lake Tahoe to grab lunch and take it to a "beach" area to eat.

Coming in from Reno there is one overlook location where you get your first big view of the lake!

We grabbed a HUGE sandwich from Mountain High Sandwich Co, which was like one of the top 3 sandwiches I've had in my life. I want it again right now. Highly suggest going here if you are visiting!

For our lunch location, we literally just parked on the side of the main lake road next to a place that looked pretty from Google Earth. That's how we found a lot of the places we decided to go to! There are little informal pathways down the side of the hill and we just followed it until we found a good spot on the rocks!

This. WATER. It's literally insane. So clear and so blue, again, lake doesn't do it justice.

 
Mounts: check! Tall Pine Trees: check! Crystal Blue Water: check! White Boulders: check!

After lunch, we drove a little further south to visit Sand Harbor. This is a Nevada State Park facility and you have to pay to use it. It was totally worth it though. We ended up changing into our bathing suits (in our car in the parking lot because we are classy). The water was ICE cold. Like. I don't know how people were fully submerged. I guess if you are from the north you are used to it but dang it was cold.

This just looks like a fantasy land to me! I love it so much.

Lots and lots of rock climbing ensued.

The world's tiniest chipmunks were eeeeevery where! So cute.

Levi found our cabin on AirBnb, which is the only place we use when we travel! Here is a link to our cabin; we definitely recommend it and want to go back with friends because it can sleep 4!

It looks smaller from the outside but it's actually pretty spacious on the inside!

We had such a good first day in Lake Tahoe, I can't wait to share all the other days too! Please feel free to comment with questions or shoot me an email! We created a whole itinerary for this trip!

- Bethany

Summer Days

It seems like every year summer doesn't truly start for Levi and I until August when camp season is over! Levi was gone for a total of like 6 or 7 weeks in June and July (home on the weekends though!). Now that our schedules have slightly slowed down, we are able to enjoy the river by our house more! Sunday we went to two different spots in Martindale and it felt so good! Since the flood in May, the waters have been super blue and clear. Mosely was loving it and so were we!

- B

You are my God

I can't help myself.

No matter what I feel or do, I cannot deny God. I am in utter despair over my faith right now, without hope, but somehow, I can't stop. I cannot turn away.

I can stop going to church. I can stop reading my bible. I can stop praying. But I can't stop wanting God. Even when I don't want to want him, I still want him. I think that's a part of the despair. I want so badly to not feel deeply. To not question. To not need His presence so badly. But I can't go back. Once you've had a taste of who the true God of all the Earth is, you can't take anything else.

I am absolutely gut wrenched over my disconnect with God. This continued lack of confidence in Him, and in my faith in Him. I know that He is willing and ready to meet with me. I know that all I have to do is come. But how do I keep getting in my own way? It isn't as simple as "come". I have come. I've walked out to meet Him, and have repeatedly felt the emptiness of his presence. I don't believe it is sin that got me in this (I mean, obviously it is sin in the way of we live in a broken world caused by sin), but I am wondering if now that it has gone on, is there sin in my lack of reconciliation with God?

While my despair of faith was not caused by specific sin, is there now some sin keeping me from reaching reconciliation? I don't know. I was on Twitter the other day and saw this tweet:

That's a tough one for me. I inherently "know" the last part, that Christ loves me PERIOD. I could easily see myself saying, "God loves me when I read his word." Could I also just as easily say, "God loves me when I don't read his word."? That one is a little harder. But it is just as equally true. God's love for me is regardless of my actions. He loves me even though I am mad at him, and upset, and lacking faith. He loves me just the same.

And that's why I just can't give up. I don't know where I'm going right now, but I know that it will ultimately lead me to Jesus' feet; either tomorrow if he reveals himself or in 70 years when I enter Heaven.

Until then, I will keep holding on, because it's all I can do.

My Heart is Yours

I give you my life

I give you my trust

Jesus

You are my God

You are enough

Jesus

My heart is yours

My heart is yours

Take it all, take it all

My life in your hands

I lay down my life

I take up my cross

Jesus

You are my God

Whatever the cost

Jesus, whoa Jesus

My heart is yours

My heart is yours

Take it all, take it all

My life in your hands

- B

Venice Beach Trip Part 2

Ok, so I blogged the first part of my trip here. After that...every thing becomes a brunch filled blur so here are some photos and who knows if they are in order!

On one of the days we were just driving around Malibu, enjoying the scenery, and we decided to try to find somewhere to get some wine and food! Kristi found us Malibu Cafe and it was PERFECT. The restaurant is on a ranch in a valley in Malibu and they actually have like 5 wedding venues on the property as well! It felt like I was in Hawaii or something, you could see the lush mountains all around us and the temperature was perfect! I highly highly recommend going if you are visiting Malibu!

Nothing speaks to me quite like a good meat and cheese plate.

Short rib sandwich with fries AND potato salad. Oh yes.

This place was basically like an outdoor Restoration Hardware, which I guess you can do in California because it never rains... :/

My one thing that I HAD to do while I was there was to see the Barbie Dreamhouse. I don't know why it was so important to me but it was and it totally lived up to the hype! This beach house was designed and lived in by the creator of Barbie and it's perfect. It's located right off the main road by the Santa Monica Pier and is a little tricky to get to but well worth it. We just parallel parked and Brenda stayed with the car while we ran to the house!

One of the mornings we went to a coffee shop off Abbott & Kinney St (which is sort of like South Congress in Austin). I felt SO not cool enough to be at this place. They had steps inside of the shop where you sat and literally every single person there was on their Mac. Kind of hilarious, but a fun vibe too!

At the end of our trip we planned to make a trip into LA to see the Griffith Observatory. Unfortunately it ended up being a super cloudy day but it was still a really fun part of the trip! Several of the hiking trails were closed for driving, but we managed to walk up to one good look out point.

Kristi and I decided to climb essentially, a glorified rock pile to get a better view. It was STEEP once we got up there and we were both sort of terrified.

See that person way down there?? That's Brenda waiting for us! It was a narrow climb up to our peak so she stayed behind.

I had a strong selfie game during this trip and I'm not even ashamed.

Result of above selfie:

One of our friends Caleb had actually just moved from Texas to California the same week we were traveling there so we met up with him for a hike in Santa Monica! The hike was supposed to end at a waterfall but it was HOT and dry...sooo, not really worth it :/

An upside to that hike though was the neighborhood we had to walk through to get there. Mansions errrywhere!

After our hike we decided to go back to Point Dume State Beach since it was a sunnier day and we loved it so much the first time! It was so nice going on a sunny day because the water looked SO much more blue!

We saw more whales while we were there, they were literally RIGHT off the beach, right past the white part of the waves. They were clearly eating a bunch of fish because they were just making circles in that area! It was so cool to watch, I didn't even take pictures.

Our last evening we went to dinner and then walked back along the boardwalk as the sun set, it was GORGEOUS. I love a beach and I love a sunset :)

And there you have it! My Cali trip in a nutshell! Basically if you go to this area and do nothing else, you have to go to Point Dume State Beach!



- B