Love Never Fails

Last month it had been two years.

Two years since our counselor told each of us, individually, that we should seek divorce. That there was no solution for us. There was no hope for our marriage. We wouldn't be able to make it work.

It felt dirty and wrong, the way the idea was planted in our minds by someone we trusted. But it also felt like... how did we end up here? Even the professional thinks we made a mistake in getting married!

It was two years ago that I sat dry heaving on our bathroom floor, because Levi said the D word. It makes me shake just thinking back to it. Someone of authority and trust, told us these things.

But what also happened two years ago, is that we decided, on the cold bathroom floor, that it wouldn't fail. We decided to believe the ULTIMATE authority and trustworthy counselor. We didn't care what some professional told us, we knew what the word of GOD has to say. And it's something much different.

"O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption." Psalm 130:7

Our love did not have to fail, because Christ had given us an unending supply of love. When we run out (and we would) we can turn to Christ and use the love he has given us to love others.

"We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:19

Oddly, after having made the decision to take divorce off of the table, our marriage was not magically fixed. We had been in counseling for about 7 months, just long enough to stir up all of our sin and past hurts. Obviously, we weren't going back to that counselor. For a few months, we sort of just had breathing room. Things hit such an emotional peak, that we needed some time to just be. Over the summer we started listening to the Austin Stone's sermons on marriage. In December of 2012 we started to find biblical community. We also started back at counseling. This time, through the Austin Stone Counseling Center.

I think continuous counseling is one of the best decisions we've made in life. While yes, it went terribly wrong at first...I'm thankful that we didn't harden our hearts to the entire counseling world. We found the most incredible, christian counselor who constantly pointed us back to Jesus and back to the purpose of marriage. Spoiler alert: it's not for your happiness!

I was surprised to learn that.

We started reading the book Sacred Marriage, which helps give you a picture of what biblical marriage looks like. It turns out, marriage is supposed to be a picture of Christ's relationship with the church. I'm sure you've heard that statement before. But what does it mean?

It means, that Christ loves the church and will never forsake her. No matter how much the church hurts Jesus, he's not going anywhere. And marriage, oooh marriage, it's supposed to be a picture of THAT.

That is why marriage is such a weighty calling. It's not to be jumped into lightly. Honestly, we didn't know this before we got married. I just thought, hey I like this guy a lot and we have fun! I want to live with him! I want to travel together! I didn't think marriage would entail CONSTANTLY having to die to my own desires and ways I think things should be done.

Marriage is a lot. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But it's also the only thing that has pushed me closer and closer to the Lord. It's a trial unlike any other.

Levi and I attended counseling weekly for almost an entire year. We stopped this past October 2013. I have to fight for my marriage every.single.day. The day that I let my guard down, the day I say I really don't want to try. That's when Satan gets his foothold. Altogether, in the past two years we have more often then not, been going to counseling!

If you think you can't afford counseling, don't let that stop you. They offer scholarships and discounted rates. Ask your community for help. Ask me for help! It's worth it to fight.

Just to be clear, our problems in marriage never came across as huge problems. There wasn't cheating, mistrust, lying, abuse, secrets. We suffered more from selfishness, from just being opposite people in every way you could be (except horror movies, we've both got that ;), from being immature in our faith, from thinking it should be easy, from thinking it shouldn't take this much work, from just...not liking each other. And to be clear, those problems are JUST as valid as adultery. They will eat away at your marriage JUST as sneakily as secrets.

We often had people in our life wondering why in the world we were in counseling? We are both nice people! We both love Jesus! Why did we need so much help? We didn't want to settle for just both being ok people. We want to know how to display God's love to others through our relationship. If we fight this hard for our love, how much more is God fighting for YOUR heart?

- Bethany

Has the Lord rejected me forever?

Psalm 77

I cry out to God; yes, I shout.

Oh, that God would listen to me!

When I was in deep trouble,

I searched for the Lord. All night long I prayed, with hands lifted towards heaven,

but my soul was not comforted.

I think of God, and I moan, overwhelmed with longing for his help.

You don't let me sleep.

I am too distressed even to pray!

I think of the good old days, long since ended,

when my nights were filled with joyful songs.

I search my soul and ponder the difference now.

Has the Lord rejected me forever?

Will he never be kind to me again?

Is his unfailing love gone forever?

Have his promises permanently failed?

Has God forgotten to be gracious?

Has he slammed the door on his compassion?

And I said, "This is my fate; the Most High has turned his hand against me."

But then I recall all you have done, O Lord; I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.

They are constantly in my thoughts.

I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works.

O God, your ways are holy.

Is there any god as mighty as you?

You are the God of great wonders!

You demonstrate your awesome power among the nations.

By your strong arm, you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

When the Red Sea saw you, O God, its waters looked and trembled!

The sea quaked to its very depths.

The clouds poured down rain; the thunder rumbled in the sky. You arrows of lightning flashed.

Your thunder roared from the whirlwind; the lightning lit up the world!

The earth trembled and shook.

Your road led through the sea, your pathway through might waters- 

a pathway no one knew was there!

You led your people along that road like a flock of sheep, 

with Moses and Aaron as their shepherds.

Psalm 77

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I did not want to read my bible this morning. I listened to a few Ask Pastor John sermons while I had breakfast. I debated just going and responding to emails. But somehow, by the power of Christ IN me, I was able to go into my bedroom and pick up my bible. Psalm 77 is where I landed. And it's where I am. And I know/want to believe that this is God speaking to me. Telling me he knows what I'm going through, and he has a comfort for me. And that it's his word; that is my comfort. For so long I felt like the writer in verse 10 where he has accepted his fate. "This is just how things will be, I will no longer feel God," those were my thoughts. For probably the past year and a half that I have had silence from God, this is what I started to believe. But then I read Psalm 77 and I see ME. And I know that God will get me to the last part. That I will have power in remembering God's past works. 

He's there, just not all the way yet. But it almost feels like a phone call saying, "Don't worry, I'm coming back soon."

I hope so.

Thank you God for the power to want to read your word today. Thank you for providing the Psalms, for people who are so hurting but wanting to run to you. Thank you for Psalm 77 and for showing up this morning.

- Bethany

Slouchy McSloucherson

I don't think I acknowledge my appreciation enough for the trend of slouchy clothes. This is a trend that I will NEVER let die in my closet. This week I found the perfect slouchy top at Marshall's and wanted to share :)

Cynthia Rowley is always a favorite brand of mine and there was SO much cute stuff of hers at Marshall's this past week. I limited myself to this linen top and a tank top.

I've also been loving the fact that my hair is long enough for a high bun now!

Top: Marshall's, Jeans: AE, Cardigan: Target, necklace: Forever 21, Shoes: Payless, Headband: Anthropologie

- Bethany

Journeying and Journaling

Ok, it's been almost 2 weeks. I can process a little more.

"Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods." - C.S. Lewis.

Well DANG. I always took faith for granted. Never even thought of it as something that might be a struggle one day. I think it's one of those things you can get lazy with, and then once it weakens (from lack of attention), you get all bent out of shape thinking, "What the heck God? Where'd my faith go?"

Oh. It decreased every time I chose to run to others instead of to you, it inched away every time I chose a tv show over reading your word. It died every time I just wanted things to happen without the effort and groaning that your word says WILL be there.

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share in Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when His glory is revealed." 1 Peter 4:12-13

In simple terms, it's saying, "Hello, hi, you've read scripture haven't you? Great. Then WHY are you surprised and shocked when you suffer? We've told you it will happen! #pleaselisten". Or something like that.

You can find further affirmation for this lesson here:

"And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering." Romans 8:17

I wish I could tell you why God set it up this way. Why there has to be suffering in this lifetime. But that IS the way God has things set up. And we can trust that it is ultimately for his glory and for the most good. When my life is going great, and I don't see suffering around me, there is really no reason for me to long to be in Heaven. We are such a people, that we need the sufferings of this world to help continually point us back to Jesus. I wish that there was another way. But, in my experience, suffering is the only thing that makes me bank everything on Jesus and the hope of future glorification (being unified as a body with Christ in a new perfect Kingdom with perfect bodies).

I am finally being encouraged by my own suffering and pain. My doubts and struggles with belief are not because I may not be a Christian...they are BECAUSE I am a Christian. Only Christians struggle with sin (in my case, that would be disbelief, lack of trust, and guilt). If I didn't have the spirit of God inside me, why would I care about my lack of faith? Why would it bother me so much if I didn't read the bible or worship God? It wouldn't affect me at all.

So the fact that I am struggling IS a sign of belief. I cannot tell you what an encouragement and relief that it is to know. I am 100% experiencing the act of "working out your salvation with fear and trembling" that is talked about in Philippians 2.

I'm not getting further from God, even though it feels like that sometimes. I am working out my salvation, my faith, so that when I come out of this, it will be 10 times stronger.

I want to record this moment as a very gradual step, but a step none the less, towards strengthening my faith and coming out of this cloud of doubt. What I learned last night (in my Women's Development Program) was real and was revealed by the Holy Spirit, not just my mind or others words.

I didn't feel this amazing moment of God speaking clearly to me, I didn't see a vision and have hope, my fears have not gone away. But I have grabbed onto a tiny thread of hope and I'm counting it as a win.

- Bethany

I had a really good morning. Levi and I went to brunch and processed some thoughts of what we have read together. More mornings like this, please.

Why I haven't written about New York.

Thoughts on my trip? I feel like I'd be deceiving you. It's complicated, incredibly, indecipherably complicated.

Let me break it down:

1) This past week was amazing. I was obedient to the Lord, I felt comfortable and strong when approaching people of all different cultures on the street. I did not fear bringing up spiritual dialogue with these women of Jackson Heights, New York. I knew the truth to say, and I knew that if God wanted them to receive it, they would.

But. I also felt this:

2) This past week was truly horrific. In the midst of trying to tell other people about the gospel, the Good News, the saving grace I bank my life on....I doubted it. The more I spoke "truth" the more it sounded like fantasy to me. Just a story. I feel more like an atheist than a christian sometimes.

Every time I read point number 2 it just crushes me. I want to stop acknowledging it in hopes that it will just go away and stop being real. But that hasn't happened. And I don't really do well with not discussing my feelings (hence this here blog).

There is something in me that can't stop trying to believe though. I want to believe. I know that in Romans it says that God has made it obvious to the world. His existence is obvious to all of us, it's just whether we can acknowledge it. I want to believe today. But I didn't want to yesterday. And I'm scared for more days like yesterday to come.

I will continue to seek comfort in scripture, I know that is the number one place where my answers will come from. But I am also seeking out other people's stories, books on doubt, digging into the people of the bible who doubted. If you have experienced anything like this, please share with me.

I feel weird ending this post on such a solemn note. Obviously this is a topic that is strongly affecting my life right now, but life is still life, and I'm trying to remain joyful. I just ordered the book, God in the Dark. This is a quote by the author that I appreciated,

"Os Guinness explains: "If ours is an examined faith, we should be unafraid to doubt . . . There is no believing without some doubting, and believing is all the stronger for understanding and resolving doubt"

"Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:30–31)

So there you have it. All wrapped up in a wordy little blog post. New York was amazing and I loved it and I have so much to say. But for now, I needed to say this.

- Bethany