Wednesday, August 6, 2014

The Worst Post I've Ever Written

Riggins is gone. The best cat, friend, entertainment, companion....gone.

He went missing Monday night/Tuesday morning of the 29th. It's been a little over a week now. I have to write this down because our relationship deserves a goodbye.

I knew that I was attached. I knew I loved him a little too much. But I had no idea the extent of how painful it would be to lose him. I am grieving the loss of one of the closest family members I had. That's what this feeling is.

Not that I have to justify these feelings, but losing a pet is a different kind of grief. Your pet is there always. When no one else is. When you are alone at home, they are there with you. It's a relationship that sneaks up on you because of the sheer amount of time you spend together. Riggins was that for me. He was my constant. He made me laugh. He laid with me when I was sick.

He was all of these things and MORE because of his ridiculous personality. He probably actually hated me. But I loved it. He would give the worst looks, but would never actually hurt me or anyone else who messed with him.

This is the last picture I have of him:

He had been hiding from the vacuum and then just decided to stay there.

For the first few days of him being missing I couldn't even look at a picture of him. I literally could not stop crying. I went through boxes of kleenexes. And all along, I still had Walter, my other cat, there as a reminder. A reminder that I still had him but I didn't have Riggins anymore. I know that it would be cruel to find another home for Walter. But it hurts so much to look at him and just see the fact that Riggins is gone. That's all I see when I look at him. When I try to interact with him I'm just faced with the fact that he's not Riggins.

I only had Riggins for 2.5 years. That's too short of a time to have the best pet you've ever had.

During this horrible time though, I'm reminded of how much Jesus loves me. I'm reminded of that through my relationships and how they handled me this week. I don't know if I've ever loved Levi more than I have this week. He is the most gentle, kind person I have ever met. He spent two days off of work just looking for Riggins. He put up signs, he called shelters, he drove to the shelter every day, he posted online. He searched acres of land. He did it all. It rocks my world to think that there's someone that loves me more than THAT ('s Jesus). I'm thankful to my friend Ashley. She removed all the pictures I had of Riggins (yes there were that many) around the house and put them in a memory box.

I know that grief is a part of life. There is grief counseling and therapy. I had just never experienced it to this extent. This is worse than the worst breakup, any fight, any loss or pain I've experienced. I know it will get better, and it already has a little bit. This feeling of grief breaks my heart for the people I know who have experienced it. I don't envy being a part of the grief club. And if you think I'm being dramatic, I'm going to need you to go adopt the best pet you could imagine, spend all day every day of 2.5yrs with them, and then have them disappear. Woops, maybe that's the anger stage of grief speaking?

No comments:

Post a Comment