Monday, June 22, 2015

the question game

Let's say I wanted to write a post that helps me understand what exactly I'm feeling. How would I go about doing that? How do you play 20 questions with yourself until you get under the layer? I'm not sure what's under there and so I'm not sure what questions to even be asking.

Do I believe in God?

Am I sinning?

Why do I feel nothing?

Why does the idea of scripture being enough make me so angry?

Will God show up outside of scripture for me? Is my doubt and questioning worth it to him?

Am I sinning by wanting God to speak to me/reveal himself to me/BE THERE outside of scripture?

I did the scripture route. I was faithful through doubt for a very long time. And then faith and perseverance just began to feel like something that was completely up to me to make happen. I had to sustain myself by reading scripture. God wasn't helping me. I really need a relationship with God, I really need reassurance, I need feeling and love and words from God RIGHT NOW and the best way I have been told is to seek him through his Word and you will hear him.

But what about when that isn't happening?

What if I have been seeking and have sought faithfully and earnestly but then I just run out of gas? I know it's not all on me, yet it feels as if God isn't doing his part. What then? I mentally and spiritually am out of juice and I am begging God to come to me. Is that wrong?

Is it wrong to make an active choice to put your bible on the shelf and tell God you hope he is real and if he is to please help?

These are the questions I have. They are questions to which I'm not sure there are general answers that can be given. It seems wrong to affirm someone deciding to not pray or read their bible. But in certain cases, is it?

- Bethany

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