Thursday, September 10, 2015

An Open Apology

I had to write this down because it's been weighing so heavily on me the past few weeks. I seem to feel like I'm constantly letting someone down and in turn, I feel guilty. The cycle has to stop. Here is an open acknowledgement of where I'm at. An acknowledgement of my shortcomings. Deeeeep breath.

To my friends:

Currently, I'm not the friend I want to be. I am spacy, apathetic, overwhelmed, and stretched thin. I THINK about you all the time. Every single one of you, even if we haven't talked in a few months, I probably think about you at least once a week. Oh I should text/call/make plans with/send a card to/apologize/confront/pray for/work harder on/check in on this friend. These are all things I think about. And some weeks I am able to accomplish them with at least one friend. The past few years, I prided myself on maintaining good communication with my friends, and I also sometimes judged those who couldn't do the same. And then I became one of those. And for that, I just want to simply say,

I'm sorry. Please extend grace to me because that's what I need. I'm sorry there have been times that you needed me to do a certain thing (reach out, call, meet up) and I just couldn't make it happen. I really wish I could have. Just know that it isn't just you, it's everyone. I haven't called my grandma all summer (a sentence that feels shameful to write). I really wish I could be all the right things at all the right times. But here it is... I'm not. I am in a heavy grad school program, I'm trying to take care of my health, and I have depression. It's chronic, it's off and on, and it makes it hard to do just about anything. Please don't think I'm neglecting our friendship because it isn't important to me. The friendships I have right now are some of the best I have ever had, and I don't want anything to screw it up. So I guess what I'm saying is, I'm sorry for my part in things, my shortcomings. I am responsible for that.

To myself:

It's not all on you. The guilt you experience is solely from the expectations you put on yourself. No one can be it all. You can't have it all. There is suffering. Don't let the negative emotions cloud the every day good that you are working on. This is a season, and you don't have to be perfect during it. Friendships take two people putting in the effort, and sometimes it's actually not your fault something isn't working (surprise!). Give yourself the same amount of grace you try to give others. Everybody fails. Thinking about things won't make them happen. Take action, but also give yourself the grace to not be everything. Have courage.


Aaaaand another deep breath. To post this or not to post this? I guess I'm choosing courage today!

- Bethany

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