Wednesday, July 17, 2019

Hello blog, my old friend.

Hello blog, my old friend.

I've spent some time reading back over you (especially years 2013-14). You were so good to me. You helped me so much. You brought out a side of me that is so beautiful, so articulate, so poignant. I miss that side. It hasn't been around in a long time. I haven't been able to pin point the moment in which it was lost, but lost it is.

Or maybe it's not? This rhythm flows, it feels good, but where did it go for so long? Let me think.

I guess it went to graduate school. I guess it went into papers, discussions, insecurities, fears, career. I guess it went to "growing up." I'm 30 now, dear blog. Much has happened and little of it has been aided by emotion. Why is that? According to this blog history, I was really good at emotions. I could feel with the best of them. It was so much of who I was- how did it escape me? When did I put that aside? I'd like it back please. Yes, it hurt, that is true. But it also made things real and hard and vital. Life was urgent. And sure, it's nice not to be urgent all of the time but I have the feeling maybe I could use a little more of it now.

Did you know it's very easy to get comfortable in your 30s? (as someone 2 months into their 30s I can say this with full confidence). You go to work, you meal prep, you watch The Bachelorette, you have fun, and it's all great but....comfortable. And maybe it's my inner angsty teen coming up but hey, we had fun together didn't we? Life was interesting. Life still is interesting. But. But.

So here we are, talking again. It feels a little rusty, it feels a little vulnerable, it feels a little silly (I mean it IS 2019, do people even blog anymore if they aren't a hashtag influencer?). But you know what? Maybe I need a little more rusty, vulnerable, silly things in my life. Yes, yes I think that's it.


- B

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