Friday, September 5, 2014

Brain Dump

August was a heavy month. I wrote only two posts (1, 2), and they both were written with a heavy heart. My heart was further grieved by the passing of my grandpa, Dearing Jones, on August 28th. And then, on a smaller scale, I've been preparing to apply to grad school/take the GRE in the midst of all of this.

I haven't mentioned it, but my other cat Walter is now gone as well. He went missing two weeks after Riggins. It's just absolutely devastating and I'm not sure the sadness of it will ever fully go away. I am doing much better now, although it's still my last thought every night before I go to bed. Levi and I have continued to have weekly dreams that we somehow found them, or they were never really gone. I still miss my cats so much, but I'm starting to feel ready for another pair. The house is just odd without them. I've started looking at the shelters around here and am hoping to get two young cats at the same time again. Grief is a weird terrible thing that I'm both glad to understand better and sad to know more about.

We had a graveside funeral and a memorial service for my grandpa earlier this week. I always envisioned this day as being full of pain and sadness and loss and tears. And while it was some of those things, it was overwhelmingly about so much more. It was about HOPE. It was about TRUTH. It was about rejoicing in the fact that my grandpa is no longer suffering from a form of dementia. He is restored and he finished the race well. The only person I know who lived a better, more dedicated life than my grandpa, is Jesus. And that's something to strive towards. I feel honored to be a part of his family, to come from his bloodline. I think that every person who attended the memorial service left with a desire to pursue Jesus more and to love people better. I'm going to make a post after this one that includes the words I was able to speak during his service.

You know what's interesting about the month of August though? I was okay. I really was.

It wasn't until I started reflecting back on the past few weeks that I realized just how much I've been going through. I can honestly say that it has only been by the power of the Lord sustaining me through his word that I've made it out. In the past, this type of month would have left me hiding in my closet in a puddle of depression and fear and sadness. But somehow, this time, that was not the case. I prevailed because of scripture. Because of my daily time in the word, the Lord sustained and persevered me. I don't see these hurdles as insurmountable! Praise God! Now, there were still those times of deep sadness, of lashing out at those I love. But it's hard to explain the difference in the way my mind worked. I didn't sense hopelessness. I was able to come back from those emotional sandboxes and regain my footing on the foundation of the gospel.

So here you are. A brain dump in the truest form. I'm both sad and joyful and okay.


Give your burdens to the Lord,
and he will take care of you.
He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.

Psalm 55:22





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